This one called “Mess of a Mind” is NOT the blog to follow… redirect yourself here to my main one! :) —-> http://ohwhatabeautifulworld.tumblr.com/

Looking back through all my posts makes me want to write a book about my psychotic, complicated life. Almost all of my posts are private, which doesn’t really make it fun for any one else to look back, but boy have I been on a rollercoaster. I’ve always wanted to write a book about my life, but the problem is, I would loose the life I currently live. My life would slowly evolve as each person picked up my story and digested it. I would loose all of my “normal” friends as they learned how crazy I am with each page they embarked and I feel the atmosphere of the company surrounding me would change. I don’t know, just rambling!

I’m bored. I need a new person to tell my secrets too. I haven’t told any one in a long time because last time I rushed into dumping my secrets onto some one and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve made (and believe me, I’ve made a lot of bad decisions). I’m going to watch the sunrise tomorrow morning (alone because I can’t find any one too join ): ). But that doesn’t really matter that I’ll be alone. Witnessing a sunrise is like a religious experience to me. I absolutely LOVE it! The sun and it’s trail of color and beauty that it leaves in its path as it greets and kisses us goodnight is one of god’s greatest creations! Thank you sun for being a part of my each and every day and blessing me with your breathtaking exhibition. I LOVE YOU SUN! :) And I can’t wait to greet you tomorrow morning with a smile, a cup of tea, and hopefully a much more clear head :).

So I kinda got over tumblr… not gonna lie. But I’m sitting here in Coffee Bean thinking it would be nice to do a little daily entry again, even if it’s short. Gotta keep tabs on myself!!

Anyways, I’m in coffee bean killing time on stumbleupon because my house is being videotaped today because it’s being sold. And I got a passion iced tea because when I came in I was really hot and didn’t want to get my usual chai tea latte. Then I got really cold as I was sitting here and FANTASIZING about a chai tea latte. It’s like almost closing time and no one else is in here. Then one of the employees just walks up to me with a drink in her hand and goes, “Do you want this chai tea latte?” Some one/something is fucking on my side today!! Fuck yeah to my guardian angel!! So I’m stoked now :). Maybe it’s my good karma. Whatever it is, I’m grateful and I’m now VERY content. Literally, all my worries and stupid fusses going on in my head are lifted now haha. Shit’s going on but I could care less at this moment with my drankkk in mah hand ;).

I spoke for like half an hour to a group of about 20 girls today for Mrs. Stout’s Girls’ Empowerment thing. It was superrrr embarrassing. I basically sweated excessivle the whole entire thing… I had to tell my whole drinking and drug use/recovery story and I didn’t prepare myself at all so I just went for it. I kept trying to make jokes but everyone was just staring at me with their jaws dropped the whole time hahaha. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

I hope I keep up this blogging shit because I think it’ll be healthy for my brain. We’ll see… I’m in a crazy motivated mood right now though which is probably why i decided to pursue this so who knows if I’ll keep it up.

Gonna go pick up Katie and go to my first ever LAX game with her and Julia. LATESKISSSS!!!!

I just wanna fucking leave, I’m so over this shit.

I’m tired of fucking up, I’m tired of relapsing. I’m going to the hospital. I overdosed on my birthday and I’ve been sick since. I’m sick of this bullshit. I’m really upset and I currently hate myself right now. I’ve fucked up everything and it sucks. I’m really sorry :(

“A hopeless suicidal, that’s all she’ll ever be…”

I miss my Australian sooooo much!!! :)

It’s 12am… I’m up!!!! Can’t sleeeeeeep!!! On a caffine high!! I have nothing else to do…. so I decided to tumble hahahahahasdkjasdaklshd1!!! yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I’m sooooooo much better right now!!! I’m feeling great about life for once! I got a new karaokee game for Wii, gotta a new motherfucking KITE, doing a lot better with my friends and shit, and feeling pretty good emotionally! I’m ready now to do this shit the right way. I want it all. All of the good! Let that shit flow into me cuz my goddamn arms are wideeeee open! You know, shit COULD be a lot better, but living like that gets you know where emotionally. It’s all about being content, yo. And I’m fucking content. But don’t get me wrong, content with the room for improvement. But fuck yeahhhh cuz I’m satisfied. Walking around with a GENUINE smile on my face feels great! Man, I can’t even like describe all these wonderful feelings inside of me right now. I just got a commitment at my home meeting and I feel fucking proud. I’ve got 8 days sober today and I’m in love with that sobriety. The only thing I wish for right now is that I hold onto these wonderful feelings for as long as possible. I’m gonna use this tumble as a positive reflection of the good times when I need it next. Dude, a big HOOOOORAHH to life!!! Stoked! :)

Fuck it. I’m over all of this fucking bullshit yo. Sobriety is becoming an impossible miracle that I’m never gonna be able to achieve. I want to run away so that I can use all the fuck I want and be left the fuck alone. I can fuck up and do everything wrong and I’m not gonna have any one who’s gonna breathe down my fucking neck and take everything away from me. I’m sorry, but that’s all I want. I don’t want any one to care for me. I don’t want any one to give a fuck for me. I can’t do all this bullshit anymore. I’m fucking failing school. My friends are dwindling faster than ever. I’m bullshitting my program. I fucking hate living with my family. And this obssession of drugs is permanent… I honestly can’t do it anymore. Rethink your fucking logic of grounding me. Being the fuck locked up and having nothing to live for or look forward to is evoking all these fucking feelings. Is that what type of response your looking for? For me to fucking vanish? You’re a fucking idiot! Who the fuck wants to feel like I do now? Oh wait, it’s my fault I’m grounded? Stop fucking giving me your ONE AND ONLY bullshit excuse before I shove that right the fuck back in your filthy hypocritical mouth! I fucking hate you so much. No, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck you. I’m fucking out of here! I’ve never wanted to run away more than I have right now. I don’t fucking know what to do with myself right now. I FUCKING HATE YOU!! I’m so damn fucking angry. This is bullshit. I hate you so much. Fucking ‘Go Ask Alice’ life is so much fucking better than living with your fucking bitchass. Give me one fucking reason why I wouldn’t want to fucking up and leave right now, in thise fucking moment. For you? FUCK NO BITCH!!! If you don’t fucking recall; I fucking hate you. Remember? What the fuck would you do if I just fucking pulled a geographic? Fucking cry? Sob your sorry motherfucking ass off? I can’t fucking stand you. I don’t even give a fuck. Your feelings mean NOTHING to me. FUCK YOU!! I can’t fucking get the thought of how much I hate you out of my mind right now. Fuck you. I’m so done….