Looking back through all my posts makes me want to write a book about my psychotic, complicated life. Almost all of my posts are private, which doesn’t really make it fun for any one else to look back, but boy have I been on a rollercoaster. I’ve always wanted to write a book about my life, but the problem is, I would loose the life I currently live. My life would slowly evolve as each person picked up my story and digested it. I would loose all of my “normal” friends as they learned how crazy I am with each page they embarked and I feel the atmosphere of the company surrounding me would change. I don’t know, just rambling!
I’m bored. I need a new person to tell my secrets too. I haven’t told any one in a long time because last time I rushed into dumping my secrets onto some one and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve made (and believe me, I’ve made a lot of bad decisions). I’m going to watch the sunrise tomorrow morning (alone because I can’t find any one too join ): ). But that doesn’t really matter that I’ll be alone. Witnessing a sunrise is like a religious experience to me. I absolutely LOVE it! The sun and it’s trail of color and beauty that it leaves in its path as it greets and kisses us goodnight is one of god’s greatest creations! Thank you sun for being a part of my each and every day and blessing me with your breathtaking exhibition. I LOVE YOU SUN! :) And I can’t wait to greet you tomorrow morning with a smile, a cup of tea, and hopefully a much more clear head :).
So I kinda got over tumblr… not gonna lie. But I’m sitting here in Coffee Bean thinking it would be nice to do a little daily entry again, even if it’s short. Gotta keep tabs on myself!!
Anyways, I’m in coffee bean killing time on stumbleupon because my house is being videotaped today because it’s being sold. And I got a passion iced tea because when I came in I was really hot and didn’t want to get my usual chai tea latte. Then I got really cold as I was sitting here and FANTASIZING about a chai tea latte. It’s like almost closing time and no one else is in here. Then one of the employees just walks up to me with a drink in her hand and goes, “Do you want this chai tea latte?” Some one/something is fucking on my side today!! Fuck yeah to my guardian angel!! So I’m stoked now :). Maybe it’s my good karma. Whatever it is, I’m grateful and I’m now VERY content. Literally, all my worries and stupid fusses going on in my head are lifted now haha. Shit’s going on but I could care less at this moment with my drankkk in mah hand ;).
I spoke for like half an hour to a group of about 20 girls today for Mrs. Stout’s Girls’ Empowerment thing. It was superrrr embarrassing. I basically sweated excessivle the whole entire thing… I had to tell my whole drinking and drug use/recovery story and I didn’t prepare myself at all so I just went for it. I kept trying to make jokes but everyone was just staring at me with their jaws dropped the whole time hahaha. Yeah, it was pretty bad.
I hope I keep up this blogging shit because I think it’ll be healthy for my brain. We’ll see… I’m in a crazy motivated mood right now though which is probably why i decided to pursue this so who knows if I’ll keep it up.
Gonna go pick up Katie and go to my first ever LAX game with her and Julia. LATESKISSSS!!!!
I’m tired of fucking up, I’m tired of relapsing. I’m going to the hospital. I overdosed on my birthday and I’ve been sick since. I’m sick of this bullshit. I’m really upset and I currently hate myself right now. I’ve fucked up everything and it sucks. I’m really sorry :(
I’m sooooooo much better right now!!! I’m feeling great about life for once! I got a new karaokee game for Wii, gotta a new motherfucking KITE, doing a lot better with my friends and shit, and feeling pretty good emotionally! I’m ready now to do this shit the right way. I want it all. All of the good! Let that shit flow into me cuz my goddamn arms are wideeeee open! You know, shit COULD be a lot better, but living like that gets you know where emotionally. It’s all about being content, yo. And I’m fucking content. But don’t get me wrong, content with the room for improvement. But fuck yeahhhh cuz I’m satisfied. Walking around with a GENUINE smile on my face feels great! Man, I can’t even like describe all these wonderful feelings inside of me right now. I just got a commitment at my home meeting and I feel fucking proud. I’ve got 8 days sober today and I’m in love with that sobriety. The only thing I wish for right now is that I hold onto these wonderful feelings for as long as possible. I’m gonna use this tumble as a positive reflection of the good times when I need it next. Dude, a big HOOOOORAHH to life!!! Stoked! :)
Fuck it. I’m over all of this fucking bullshit yo. Sobriety is becoming an impossible miracle that I’m never gonna be able to achieve. I want to run away so that I can use all the fuck I want and be left the fuck alone. I can fuck up and do everything wrong and I’m not gonna have any one who’s gonna breathe down my fucking neck and take everything away from me. I’m sorry, but that’s all I want. I don’t want any one to care for me. I don’t want any one to give a fuck for me. I can’t do all this bullshit anymore. I’m fucking failing school. My friends are dwindling faster than ever. I’m bullshitting my program. I fucking hate living with my family. And this obssession of drugs is permanent… I honestly can’t do it anymore. Rethink your fucking logic of grounding me. Being the fuck locked up and having nothing to live for or look forward to is evoking all these fucking feelings. Is that what type of response your looking for? For me to fucking vanish? You’re a fucking idiot! Who the fuck wants to feel like I do now? Oh wait, it’s my fault I’m grounded? Stop fucking giving me your ONE AND ONLY bullshit excuse before I shove that right the fuck back in your filthy hypocritical mouth! I fucking hate you so much. No, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck you. I’m fucking out of here! I’ve never wanted to run away more than I have right now. I don’t fucking know what to do with myself right now. I FUCKING HATE YOU!! I’m so damn fucking angry. This is bullshit. I hate you so much. Fucking ‘Go Ask Alice’ life is so much fucking better than living with your fucking bitchass. Give me one fucking reason why I wouldn’t want to fucking up and leave right now, in thise fucking moment. For you? FUCK NO BITCH!!! If you don’t fucking recall; I fucking hate you. Remember? What the fuck would you do if I just fucking pulled a geographic? Fucking cry? Sob your sorry motherfucking ass off? I can’t fucking stand you. I don’t even give a fuck. Your feelings mean NOTHING to me. FUCK YOU!! I can’t fucking get the thought of how much I hate you out of my mind right now. Fuck you. I’m so done….
I don’t fucking get it! >:/ My parents say they’re getting divorced, file the fucking papers and everything, but they’re still fucking together! What the fuck! Just get a motherfucking divorce already and stop sending me and Katie mixed messages! My dad has stayed the night for the past few nights… even though he has his own fucking house. And yea in their old room… Like what the fuck am I supposed to think of that?! I don’t really fucking know. It just bothers the shit outta me :/. I just needed to get that off my chest… thanks for listening :/.
Today was my last day on suspension, which means tomorrow I have to fucking return to school :l. This really fucking sucks ha. I got lazy as hell while I was suspended, didn’t have to do shit and I liked it! But now I’ve gotta fucking return? Fuck you school system ha.
I want to a meeting with my dad tonight, which was the first time we had ever gone together. It was really weird and awkward in the beginning cuz I felt like I had to put on my “at home mask” when all of the other people were talking to me cuz my dad was right beside me. But then on the way home he opened up like a book without a spine. He told me so many stories about his childhood, his mom and dad, growing up, and his own usage. It was amazing. It was like I was talking to a whole different person, not my dad. Not my dad with the perfect fucking image. He handed me a fucking shovel, and I dug. It was so amazing how comfortable it felt too. It wasn’t awkwardly forced at all. It was like the beautiful relationship that normal fathers and daughters possess. Undescribable, man.
I made a perfect ponytail on my way to the meeting and it made me really really fucking content and satisfied. I lightly stroked the top of my head from my forehead to my ponytail compulsively, because it was so perfect. It soothed the fuck outta me. Ha, you know, fucking OCD sucks for the most part, but when you get excited with the littlest shit, like fucking ponytail form, it’s fucking wonderful! Random thought, but it’s still satisfying me :).
I talked to Zeait today about my position in ASB. I need mad advice. On one hand I really fucking want to be ASB president, like I want this thing more than anything, but on the other, I’m ready to just give it up and say “fuck it and fuck you.” I really don’t know what to do. I think I’m becoming more at peace with the idea of letting go of it, but I’m still soooooo fucking hungry for it! I don’t know, I’m stuck :/.
So I have another fucking wonderful plan! I’m real fed up with all the bullshit here in motherfucking San Marcos, CA. Like, I’m done. Australia has always been my sorta final destinartion, but that really isn’t as possible as I’d like it to be right now. I just wanna get the fuck out of here right now though. And quite frankly, San Francisco ain’t sounding like too bad of an option. Cept fuck all of you, cuz I’m picking up my roots and replanting all on my own. Yeah, I’m actually thinking about running away. Like ‘Go Ask Alice.’ San Francisco will be a good destination cuz I could easily get drugs there and there’s a lot of underground shit there that I could flow with. I’ve been thinking real hard about this actually and I kind of fucking prefer the homeless druggie lifestyle. I think it’d be thrilling. I guess that’s just my fucked up, distorted view of reality speaking, again ha. But on the real, I’m kind of craving that lifestyle. I just really wanna do drugs, fuck around, and experiment. I could go to the ATM and draw out all of the cash from my account, which is a fucking lot. That should be enough to get me to San Fran and to get me some drugs for a bit. Is it fucked up that I’m considering associating prostitution into this grand scheme? Is it fucked up that I don’t really mind selling my body for drugs? Is it fucked up that I’m willing to loose EVERYTHING just to be able to do drugs? I know I’m fucked up, no need to answer. I just don’t get why the fuck is it that I want to do drugs so goddamn bad?! I just need my fix! Why the fuck is it that I’m craving to have such a shitty life? Goddamn… I really fucking hope I can get through tonight and not pull off some bullshit stunt like before. I mean, I think this sounds like a beautiful fucking plan. But I also know how fucking STUPID I really am. Fuck man, why can’t I just do motherfucking drugs! For all of those who aren’t addicts, be fucking grateful!!
So if you ever thought suspension would be fun (don’t worry, so did I), you’re fucking wrong :l…. Suspension is the most boring shit I’ve ever had to do. It’s like, I don’t really know what to do with myself! Everyone is in school so it’s not like I can just call some one up and be like “Holler!” Instead I just kinda sit here at home all day, watching wayy too much tv, eating way too much food, and doing way too much of nothing. My mom drags me everywhere with her cuz I’m not allowed to be alone :l. So I guess you could say that’s a bit of entertainment. Well, actually, I wouldn’t call it entertainment cuz everything we do is boring as hell but more of variation ha. Well I guess I should just learn my fucking lesson of NOT TO BE STUPID WHEN I DRINK!! >:/
Sooooooooo I’m a fucking idiot, I already know that, no need for reminders. I followed through with my brilliant fucking plan! Which consequently ended with an arrest and a 5 day suspension, and that’s just the fucking beginning… I’m getting charged for theft, drinking and driving, minor in possession, and being drunk in public. Yeah, whata fucking list, I know. There’s a detective assigned to my case and he said that if the case gets brought into court, then I’m gonna get 3 years of probation… 3 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS!! :l Do you realize that means I’ll be on fucking probation until I’m 20?? They said that I would have gone to juvi yesterday, but they didn’t have enough beds avaliable… lucky me ha. Thinking back to it, at least I had a real fucking good time though! I was looking back at a journal I wrote while I was drunk in class and boy was I fucking enjoying myself ha!! And I took the fucking STAR testing drunk, how many people can say they’ve done that?! Ha, I probably shouldn’t be proud. But hey, I need some optimism out of all this shit right? I hope that my detective isn’t a fucking dick about all of this :l. Cross those motherfucking fingers!!
I woke up this morning and I don’t want to drink nearly as bad as last night. In fact I really don’t want to drink at all. Except this new impulse is sweeping over me, and now I just want to fucking steal a bottle. I planned this out last night; there’s a discount rack at Albertsons and there’s some cheapo, gasoline-like vodka on it. The rack is like the only place in the store where there’s no cameras so it’s perfect! And it’s right by the bathrooms, so if I get too scared or if there is cameras pointing towards the rack, then I can just slip into the bathroom; perfect!
So, I’m craving like a motherfucker right now… I’m imagining how fucking wonderful it would be to get a hold of a handle and be drunk for allllll of tomorrow. And then my mind goes, “Well fuck Nikki, you’re gonna need 2, no fucking 6, handles then!” And that there, my friend, is the reason that I’m a motherfucking alcoholic. Honestly though, I fucking MISS alcohol so damn bad. Like honestly, right now, all I can think about is how fucking cool it would be to get drunk at school. Like I honestly think that it would be a fucking party all day. Holy balls, I really want to get a fucking bottle now… I’m seriously running through all my options of how this could be made possible. I really fucking want alcohol! Here’s the fucking most convenient and accessible plan; 4 Coronas and a half a bottle of champange in the fridge. I don’t think that’d be even NEARLY enough. And if I’m gonna drink and break my sobriety streak, then I’m gonna get fucking wasted… not just buzzed. Ugh fuck! This really fucking sucks… Well whatever, fuck >:/