Fuck it. I’m over all of this fucking bullshit yo. Sobriety is becoming an impossible miracle that I’m never gonna be able to achieve. I want to run away so that I can use all the fuck I want and be left the fuck alone. I can fuck up and do everything wrong and I’m not gonna have any one who’s gonna breathe down my fucking neck and take everything away from me. I’m sorry, but that’s all I want. I don’t want any one to care for me. I don’t want any one to give a fuck for me. I can’t do all this bullshit anymore. I’m fucking failing school. My friends are dwindling faster than ever. I’m bullshitting my program. I fucking hate living with my family. And this obssession of drugs is permanent… I honestly can’t do it anymore. Rethink your fucking logic of grounding me. Being the fuck locked up and having nothing to live for or look forward to is evoking all these fucking feelings. Is that what type of response your looking for? For me to fucking vanish? You’re a fucking idiot! Who the fuck wants to feel like I do now? Oh wait, it’s my fault I’m grounded? Stop fucking giving me your ONE AND ONLY bullshit excuse before I shove that right the fuck back in your filthy hypocritical mouth! I fucking hate you so much. No, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck you. I’m fucking out of here! I’ve never wanted to run away more than I have right now. I don’t fucking know what to do with myself right now. I FUCKING HATE YOU!! I’m so damn fucking angry. This is bullshit. I hate you so much. Fucking ‘Go Ask Alice’ life is so much fucking better than living with your fucking bitchass. Give me one fucking reason why I wouldn’t want to fucking up and leave right now, in thise fucking moment. For you? FUCK NO BITCH!!! If you don’t fucking recall; I fucking hate you. Remember? What the fuck would you do if I just fucking pulled a geographic? Fucking cry? Sob your sorry motherfucking ass off? I can’t fucking stand you. I don’t even give a fuck. Your feelings mean NOTHING to me. FUCK YOU!! I can’t fucking get the thought of how much I hate you out of my mind right now. Fuck you. I’m so done….
I don’t fucking get it! >:/ My parents say they’re getting divorced, file the fucking papers and everything, but they’re still fucking together! What the fuck! Just get a motherfucking divorce already and stop sending me and Katie mixed messages! My dad has stayed the night for the past few nights… even though he has his own fucking house. And yea in their old room… Like what the fuck am I supposed to think of that?! I don’t really fucking know. It just bothers the shit outta me :/. I just needed to get that off my chest… thanks for listening :/.
Today was my last day on suspension, which means tomorrow I have to fucking return to school :l. This really fucking sucks ha. I got lazy as hell while I was suspended, didn’t have to do shit and I liked it! But now I’ve gotta fucking return? Fuck you school system ha.
I want to a meeting with my dad tonight, which was the first time we had ever gone together. It was really weird and awkward in the beginning cuz I felt like I had to put on my “at home mask” when all of the other people were talking to me cuz my dad was right beside me. But then on the way home he opened up like a book without a spine. He told me so many stories about his childhood, his mom and dad, growing up, and his own usage. It was amazing. It was like I was talking to a whole different person, not my dad. Not my dad with the perfect fucking image. He handed me a fucking shovel, and I dug. It was so amazing how comfortable it felt too. It wasn’t awkwardly forced at all. It was like the beautiful relationship that normal fathers and daughters possess. Undescribable, man.
I made a perfect ponytail on my way to the meeting and it made me really really fucking content and satisfied. I lightly stroked the top of my head from my forehead to my ponytail compulsively, because it was so perfect. It soothed the fuck outta me. Ha, you know, fucking OCD sucks for the most part, but when you get excited with the littlest shit, like fucking ponytail form, it’s fucking wonderful! Random thought, but it’s still satisfying me :).
I talked to Zeait today about my position in ASB. I need mad advice. On one hand I really fucking want to be ASB president, like I want this thing more than anything, but on the other, I’m ready to just give it up and say “fuck it and fuck you.” I really don’t know what to do. I think I’m becoming more at peace with the idea of letting go of it, but I’m still soooooo fucking hungry for it! I don’t know, I’m stuck :/.
So I have another fucking wonderful plan! I’m real fed up with all the bullshit here in motherfucking San Marcos, CA. Like, I’m done. Australia has always been my sorta final destinartion, but that really isn’t as possible as I’d like it to be right now. I just wanna get the fuck out of here right now though. And quite frankly, San Francisco ain’t sounding like too bad of an option. Cept fuck all of you, cuz I’m picking up my roots and replanting all on my own. Yeah, I’m actually thinking about running away. Like ‘Go Ask Alice.’ San Francisco will be a good destination cuz I could easily get drugs there and there’s a lot of underground shit there that I could flow with. I’ve been thinking real hard about this actually and I kind of fucking prefer the homeless druggie lifestyle. I think it’d be thrilling. I guess that’s just my fucked up, distorted view of reality speaking, again ha. But on the real, I’m kind of craving that lifestyle. I just really wanna do drugs, fuck around, and experiment. I could go to the ATM and draw out all of the cash from my account, which is a fucking lot. That should be enough to get me to San Fran and to get me some drugs for a bit. Is it fucked up that I’m considering associating prostitution into this grand scheme? Is it fucked up that I don’t really mind selling my body for drugs? Is it fucked up that I’m willing to loose EVERYTHING just to be able to do drugs? I know I’m fucked up, no need to answer. I just don’t get why the fuck is it that I want to do drugs so goddamn bad?! I just need my fix! Why the fuck is it that I’m craving to have such a shitty life? Goddamn… I really fucking hope I can get through tonight and not pull off some bullshit stunt like before. I mean, I think this sounds like a beautiful fucking plan. But I also know how fucking STUPID I really am. Fuck man, why can’t I just do motherfucking drugs! For all of those who aren’t addicts, be fucking grateful!!
So if you ever thought suspension would be fun (don’t worry, so did I), you’re fucking wrong :l…. Suspension is the most boring shit I’ve ever had to do. It’s like, I don’t really know what to do with myself! Everyone is in school so it’s not like I can just call some one up and be like “Holler!” Instead I just kinda sit here at home all day, watching wayy too much tv, eating way too much food, and doing way too much of nothing. My mom drags me everywhere with her cuz I’m not allowed to be alone :l. So I guess you could say that’s a bit of entertainment. Well, actually, I wouldn’t call it entertainment cuz everything we do is boring as hell but more of variation ha. Well I guess I should just learn my fucking lesson of NOT TO BE STUPID WHEN I DRINK!! >:/
Sooooooooo I’m a fucking idiot, I already know that, no need for reminders. I followed through with my brilliant fucking plan! Which consequently ended with an arrest and a 5 day suspension, and that’s just the fucking beginning… I’m getting charged for theft, drinking and driving, minor in possession, and being drunk in public. Yeah, whata fucking list, I know. There’s a detective assigned to my case and he said that if the case gets brought into court, then I’m gonna get 3 years of probation… 3 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS!! :l Do you realize that means I’ll be on fucking probation until I’m 20?? They said that I would have gone to juvi yesterday, but they didn’t have enough beds avaliable… lucky me ha. Thinking back to it, at least I had a real fucking good time though! I was looking back at a journal I wrote while I was drunk in class and boy was I fucking enjoying myself ha!! And I took the fucking STAR testing drunk, how many people can say they’ve done that?! Ha, I probably shouldn’t be proud. But hey, I need some optimism out of all this shit right? I hope that my detective isn’t a fucking dick about all of this :l. Cross those motherfucking fingers!!
I woke up this morning and I don’t want to drink nearly as bad as last night. In fact I really don’t want to drink at all. Except this new impulse is sweeping over me, and now I just want to fucking steal a bottle. I planned this out last night; there’s a discount rack at Albertsons and there’s some cheapo, gasoline-like vodka on it. The rack is like the only place in the store where there’s no cameras so it’s perfect! And it’s right by the bathrooms, so if I get too scared or if there is cameras pointing towards the rack, then I can just slip into the bathroom; perfect!